Voice Dialogue Tips Newsletter
Issue 41 -
The
Top Ten Challenges to Relationship:
Keeping
Your Love Alive Amid Life's Routines
Challenge 1: Television
The
basic requirement for the care and feeding of a relationship is this:
Partners must make the linkage - or connection - between them a priority
in their lives.
There are many challenges to relationship, some of them come from outside
of us and some come from within. We are going to show you the top ten
challenges so that you can recognize them and do something about them.
Meeting these challenges takes commitment, time, and effort. But a good
relationship is well worth this effort and, we might point out, a great
deal of this effort can be fun.
There is one very simple principle to keep in mind. The basic requirement
for the care and feeding of a relationship is this: Partners must make
the linkage - or connection - between them a priority in their lives.
If they do so, the relationship will flourish. Anything that disrupts
this linkage will disrupt their relationship.
Even the most devoted of partners will have interests other than their
relationships and they will form attachments and linkages elsewhere.
This is an important part of life. However, if your primary
linkage in life shifts away from your partner and remains elsewhere,
it is likely to prove fatal to your relationship.
There is a great deal of competition for our attention. All of us have
a great many distractions in our lives and we do not have to go far
to find something that will divert our attention from our partners.
We will describe the ten major distractions that we have seen over the
years. At the end of each of these, we will give you a chance to answer
the question: Where is your primary linkage? You can use these questions
to look at your own relationship to determine which among these are
your major challenges.
Challenge 1: Television
Most homes have a television set. Actually, many homes have more than
one so that each family member has a set all to his or her own. This
is a very compelling distraction. Television sets and television programs
are designed to attract us and keep our attention. That is their goal.
The entire industry is based upon linking us irrevocably to the TV set.
They seduce us with the weekly shows, the news, the stock market, our
favorite ball team, the Olympics, the latest scandal, our favorite soap
opera, that special program we cannot miss. Others among us are seduced
by the sheer power inherent in the remote control. We are in charge!
We can do or watch whatever we like, whenever we like. We can change
stations to our hearts content without anybody scolding us. We are not
forced to finish anything.
In addition to this seductive quality of television, there is its lack
of confrontation and complication. It essentially complements your every
mood and gives you whatever you want, whenever you want it. After all,
has your TV ever made demands on you? Has it ever been disappointed
in you? Has it ever criticized you? Has it made you feel vulnerable?
Does it pressure you to finish anything? Does it frighten you or make
you feel insecure? Do its feelings get hurt? Does it ever disagree with
you? In short, there is no way that a TV set makes you as uncomfortable
as your partner can!
Is it any wonder that we frequently find partners spending a great deal
more time linked energetically to the TV than to one another?
Think about it! Are you more attached to your TV than to your partner?
Which would you rather do without?
If you would rather do without your partner, it seems safe to say that
something is missing in your relationship. We find that one of the first
things to disappear in a relationship is time together. Both partners
get so busy that they forget each other. Life today is difficult and
demanding. People are usually so overworked, overstressed, or exhausted
that when they do have a moment, they drop into a comfortable chair
and watch TV. It takes real effort to stay on your feet and do something
different.
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Issue 42 -
The
Top Ten Challenges to Relationship:
Keeping
Your Love Alive Amid Life's Routines
Challenge
2: Work
Our
work is very important. It gives us power and money and keeps us safe
in the world. It helps us to define ourselves. Hopefully, if we give
it enough attention, our work will always be there to support us and
we do not have to worry about our work abandoning or divorcing us. Most
important, as long as we have our work, we do not have to think very
much about our vulnerability. Anything that helps us to deal with our
vulnerability, without us having to face it directly, is extremely attractive.
Is it any wonder that many of us develop a primary linkage to our work
and relegate our relationship to second place? When we feel vulnerable
deep down inside and we do not want to know about it, going to work
can make us feel better. At work, we make a difference. We are needed.
We are wanted. Here we have mastery, or at least we can work toward
mastery. This is extremely reassuring. Life feels safe and structured
and our priorities are set for us. We know what is expected and we are
able to do the right thing. Add to all this, the fact that we are earning
money and contributing to the financial security of both our inner and
outer children and you have a total win-win situation.
Unfortunately, the more our linkage is to work, the less energy
there is left for relationship. Since the lifeblood of any relationship
is linkage, this is not good for the relationship! The tendency
to link to work rather than to one's partner is a major challenge to
relationship.
Traditionally, men have buried themselves in work when they felt vulnerable
or their emotions became too uncomfortable. Now women, too, have this
marvelous option available. Many women have learned to drop the linkage
in the relationship and shift their energies to their work. When the
going gets rough for a two-career couple and each partner has satisfying
work, there is a strong temptation for the partners to shift the primary
linkage from their relationship to their work. As this happens, each
feels abandoned by the other and each links even more intensely to work.
This linkage may be to the work itself, to the clients they serve, or
to their coworkers. This linkage is frequently to a particular person
at work, an understanding coworker or a particularly supportive assistant.
Traditionally it was the man's secretary. This may or may not become
a full-blown extramarital relationship.
We find this can be a particularly subtle challenge for people who work
together. For instance, it is very easy for the two of us to get so
involved in a project that we lose contact with each other. We may both
get so interested in our writing that our linkage goes to the book rather
than to one another. It may look as though we are still in a relationship
because we are both linked to the same object, but we are not. Not really.
We are like two oxen yoked to the same cart. We are pulling together
and doing a great job, but we have blinders on and we no longer see
each other. We just see the road ahead. When this happens, there is
a loss of intimacy. We do not feel good and we do not know why.
There are many times in life when being linked to work looks like a
natural and necessary move. This is particularly true when there are
financial pressures, either real or imagined. One or both partners will
deal with this underlying vulnerability in the most seemingly sensible
fashion by working harder and earning more money. This is not a problem
if the connection between the partners stays strong and intimate. Usually,
however, at times like these the truly strong connection switches to
work and the partners gradually and unobtrusively drift apart until
they are almost like strangers to one another.
Of course, there are times when any of us will feel better at work than
at home, but think about it. Over all, where do you feel better,
with your partner or with your work?
To deal with this challenge, see what you can do about putting a limit
on the amount of time you spend at work or thinking about work. Set
boundaries. Try to set realistic time limits that you can meet; for
instance, no work or work-related activity between 8:30 P.M. and 7:00
A.M. This will probably be extremely difficult to do at first. To help
you do this, keep a notepad with you so that when you have a work-related
thought during your off-hours, you can write it down and not think about
it until the next work session. For instance, you remember that you
should send an E-mail to double check on yesterday's order. Write it
down on your notepad and put it away until tomorrow. Otherwise you will
probably spend a great deal of time (1) trying not to think this thought
and (2) fearing that you will forget to send the E-mail.
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Issue
43 -
The
Top Ten Challenges to Relationship:
Keeping
Your Love Alive Amid Life's Routines
Challenge
3:
Other
Relationships in Fact and Fantasy
There was a period in the late 1960s and early 1970s when people realized
that they could not expect a single romantic or sexual relationship
to meet all their needs. This was a reaction against earlier over idealized
expectations of marriages "made in heaven" and dreams of "happily ever
after" when all that was needed was one Cinderella and one Prince Charming.
It was a time of cultural revolution during which there was a good deal
of experimentation with extramarital relationships and deep extramarital
friendships.
Quite often this worked beautifully for a while. Each partner felt more
alive and fulfilled. They brought back new energy to the primary relationship
and the linkage between the partners intensified. But what we noticed
during those years was that, sooner or later, the linkage between the
partners began to dissipate as the linkage to outsiders increased in
intensity. Most of the time the primary linkage finally shifted from
the partner to someone else.
As normal, ordinary human beings, we can expect
to feel attractions to people other than our partners. This is totally
natural. It just means that we are alive and that our hormones are functioning
properly . There is a great deal to be learned from these attractions
if we do not panic about them or feel too guilty.
There was definitely a kernel of truth in the thinking of the sixties
and seventies. One person does not hold everything; therefore one relationship
cannot hold everything. We have our primary selves and we have our disowned
selves. In our relationships there are selves that are acceptable or
primary and others that both partners disown.
If you think about what we said earlier regarding disowned selves (see
chapter 2), you get the picture of what happens in relationship. Our
disowned selves, and the disowned selves of our partners, are the selves
that we find fascinating in others. These are the selves that exert
the fatal attractions that cause us to drop the linkage to our partners
and develop a primary linkage elsewhere . This
linkage does not have to become sexual in order to challenge the relationship.
It just needs to be primary.
Sometimes this is not even a linkage to an actual person, sexual or
otherwise. Sometimes it is a preoccupation with a fantasy. One of the
partners develops a strong fantasy life and disappears into it. This
can be a fantasy about another person, about an imagined person, or
a fantasy about a different kind of life. The primary
linkage shifts from the relationship or the partnering to this fantasy
or this fantasy character. For some people, this can be as strong
an involvement as an involvement with another person and it can disrupt
the linkage between partners as much as an actual affair. Just as in
an actual affair, the primary linkage has been shifted. Here, the primary
linkage is to the fantasy rather than to the partner. Where does this
linkage go? Just as in an affair or an attraction, the linkage is always
to a person or a situation that is carrying a disowned self.
What can be done to reestablish the linkage within the partnership?
If you follow our thinking, look for the disowned selves that are operating.
What is it that is irresistible about this person who is not your partner?
Where does this person carry either your disowned self or that of your
partner? You can actually use this attraction as a teacher and either
you or your partner can claim the disowned self so that this irresistible
attraction becomes more resistible and your primary linkage returns
to the relationship.
What does this look like? Perhaps you and your partner have become rather
complacent and predictable. Your routine is safe and comfortable because
each of you has disowned your spontaneity and wildness. We might expect
that someone who is more spontaneous or unpredictable would be very
attractive to one or both of you. If you take this attraction as a sign
that you need a bit of fresh air and that your lives need a bit of change,
you may be able to incorporate this change into
your relationship rather than changing relationships.
These missing pieces that we find irresistible in others can be almost
anything. Each of us is different. The person who carries this attraction
can be a rebel or a conservative, sexual or proper, a professional or
a homebody, fiscally responsible or fiscally impulsive, cautious or
spontaneous, thoughtful or selfish, powerful or sensitive, passionate
or cool, sophisticated or simple. The list goes on forever, but we just
wanted to give you a picture of the variety of possibilities.
Think of the people in your life who exert a fascination over you and
who pull your energetic linkage toward themselves and away from your
partner. What is it that they carry that is missing in you, your partner,
or the relationship? How might you bring more balance into your life
and into your relationship by including some of this missing energy?
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Issue 44 -
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Issue 45 -
